“Everyone believed me!”
Yesterday, Kelly Slater quit professional surfing. We broke the news here, and Kelly confirmed with an Instagram post that way more people saw. What a coincidence, then, that it happened to be April Fools’ Day! At least it was in parts of the world. To everyone else it was, like Kelly said, #…soconfusing.
The world wept. They wailed silently in comment sections, beating their chests in agony with one hand while frantically typing their misery on their keyboards with the other.
“You were what made the events worth watching,” wrote john_shelton135.
“Hope your are joking…sincerly…if not i will stop watching surf competition. #staywithusbreilankadis,” wrote breilankadis, who was so distraught he forgot how to spell.
“Plz no Kelly I love u,” wrote jarrad_is_my_name_, sobbing uncontrollably.
“Inertia = gay,” wrote Nathan Barber, who, depending on his view of The Inertia, either likes or dislikes both April Fools’ Day and gays.
Surf rags the world over got down to the nitty gritty! “Maybe this is an April Fools joke and I’m completely overanalyzing it? Maybe I’m not?” asked Surfing Magazine’s Jimmicane after completely over analyzing it. “So what do you think?” asked Surfer Magazine’s Todd Prodanovich. “Does today mark the end of an era, or does Kelly Slater have a terrible sense of humor?” Todd ironically questioned. Stab got it, though. “There’s also that cheeky little #HappyApril1stEveryoneBackHome at the bottom of his post,” wrote Elliot Struck.
Kelly, that sly dog that he is, left a few bread crumbs for the more astute readers–as did we. “#HappyApril1stEveryoneBackHome”, he wrote under his retirement speech. “Whatever the future holds for Kelly Slater,” we wrote, “we wish him the best of luck, and thank him for his contributions to the sport… and for being part of April Fools’.”
Did you see the bread crumbs? They were right at the end there, when we said “…and for being part of April Fools’.” So no, Kelly Slater is not retiring. But you know what’s great about his false-retirement? Kelly Slater just got to watch his own funeral.