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Gabriel Medina of Maresias, Brasil (pictured) won his Round 1 heat at the Billabong Rio Pro defeating Raoni Monteiro (BRA) and Ace Buchan (AUS) to advance directly into Round 3 on Wednesday May 7, 2014. Photo: ASP / Smorigo
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Tiago Pires of Portugal (pictured) winning his Round 1 heat at the Billabong Rio Pro in Brasil on Wednesday May 7, 2014. Photo: ASP / Smorigo
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Taj Burrow of Western Australia (pictured) won his Round 1 heat at the Billabong Rio Pro advancing into Round 3 on Wednesday May 7, 2014. Photo: ASP / Kirstin
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Joel Parkinson of Coolangatta, Australia (pictured) won his Round 1 heat at the Billabong Rio Pro defeating Jeremy Flores (FRA) and Glenn Hall (AUS) to advance directly in to Round 3 on Wednesday May 7, 2014. Photo: ASP / Smorigo
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Jordy Smith of Durban, South Africa (pictured) won his Round 1 heat at the Billabong Rio Pro defeating Fred Patacchia (HAW) and Travis Logie (ZAF) to advance directly into Round 3 on Wednesday May 7, 2014. Photo: ASP / Smorigo
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Filipe Toledo of Ubatuba, Sao Paulo, Brasil (pictured) posted some of the day's highest scores to win his Round 1 heat at the Billabong Rio Pro on May 7, 2014. Toledo posted a near perfect 9.43 followed by an 8.87 (both out of ten) to advance directly into Round 3. Photo: ASP / Smorigo
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Kolohe Andino of San Clemente, California, USA (pictured) secured a well deserved Round 1 heat win over wildcard David do Carmo (BRA) and ASP World Champion Mick Fanning (AUS) to advance into Round 3 at the Billabong Rio Pro on Wednesday May 7, 2014. Kolohe Andino (USA) took full advantage of the no-wave-limit, hitting a keeper score with a draining barrel ride for a 6.17 and followed up with a 6.0 clean grab aerial manuever. Photo: ASP / Smorigo
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John John Florence of Oahu, Hawaii (pictured) won his Round 1 heat defeating CJ Hobgood (USA) and Matt Wilkinson (AUS) to advance directly into Round 3 at the Billabong Rio Pro on Wednesday May 7, 2014. Photo: ASP / Smorigo
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Nikki Van Dijk of Phillip Island, Australia (pictured) won her Round 1 heat at the Billabong Rio Pro advancing directly into Round 3 on Wednesday May 7, 2014. Van Dijk defeated Bianca Buitendag (ZAF) and Coco Ho (HAW). Photo: ASP / Kirstin
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Carissa Moore of Oahu, Hawaii (pictured) won her Round 1 heat at the Billabong Rio Pro on Wednesday May 7, 2014. Moore narrowly edged out Paige Hared (NZL) to advance directly into Round 3. Photo: ASP / Smorigo
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Pauline Ado of Anglet, France (pictured) placed second during Round 1 of the Billabong Rio Pro where she was defeated by Tyler Wright (AUS) on Wednesday May 7, 2014. Ado will surf again in Round 2. Photo: ASP / Smorigo
Oh Rio. You party so well. Carnival! Beautiful brown skinned women winding around sultry men in tight pants with shirts undone to their belly buttons. Giant feathered hats and strangely sexy masks! I’ve actually never been to Rio, but in my imagination, it’s awesome. I am wearing the coolest mask, and my chest is much more defined.
Not so for the surfing. In my imagination, it is pretty much exactly how it is: pretty damn bad. Yes, it goes off sometimes. It goes off like that guy’s sweaty shirt in Brazilian night club at 2 am! But not for the first few days of the Billabong Pro Rio. I actually heard one of the announcers say that it was a good thing, because now we get to see the world’s best surfers in “regular waves, ones like you have at home.” Ugh. No thanks. I want to see them doing things on waves that I will never be able to properly surf. I want to see them taking ridiculous risks and making impossible drops. I want glory! And carnage! And then more glory! Carnory! Glornage!
Rio ain’t doing it. Not yet, anyway. But thank God that the surfers are the best in the world, because they’re making it look kind of fun.
